An old man walks into a jewelry store with a young blonde lady.
The clerk immediately thinks he is being taken advantage of due to the age difference.
She says to the clerk “Show me an expensive ring.” The clerk looks over at the old man and he gives a head nod.
The clerk pulls out a ring and tells her “this one is $50,000 dollars.” She says its nice but I want something nicer. Once again he looks at the old man and gets another head nod.
“This is one of our finest rings it costs over $300,000.” She says “I love it ill take it!” The old man writes a check for the ring. The clerk says due to the dollar value it will take 3 days for the check to clear, please come back Monday morning to pick up the ring.”
On Monday morning the man returns to the store by himself. The clerk says “sir unfortunately the check did not go thru due to insignificant funds.” The man says “oh I know it was never gonna clear. I just wanted to come in and tell you about my weekend!”
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I’m now banned from that supermarket.
