I was happily enjoying a massive cheeseburger at a restaurant when the woman at the next table, who was picking at a salad, glared at my plate.
“You know a cow had to die for you to eat that, right?” she snapped.
I put my burger down, looked at her bowl, and nodded solemnly. “True. But if you and your vegan friends stopped eating all the cows’ food, maybe the poor things would actually have enough grass to survive.”
She rolled her eyes. “Plants don’t have feelings.”
I smiled. “Really? Then why do they look so depressed when you chop them up into a salad?”
Just then, our waiter hurried past and whispered in my ear, “Sir… please stop arguing with the vegetables.”
The CIA had a single opening for a top-secret assassin. After grueling background checks, only three candidates remained: two men and one woman.
For the final test, the recruiter led the first man to a heavy steel door, handed him a pistol, and said, “To prove your absolute loyalty, go inside and kill your wife.” The man gasped, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife.” The recruiter replied, “Then you don’t have what it takes. Go home.”
The second man was given the same order. He took the gun and walked inside. After five minutes of dead silence, he walked out weeping. “I tried, but I just couldn’t pull the trigger.” The recruiter sent him packing.
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Her mission: go inside and eliminate her husband. She grabbed the gun and marched into the room.
Instantly, the hallway echoed with a barrage of gunshots. Then came blood-curdling screams, crashing furniture, and violent banging against the walls. After a few minutes, everything went completely quiet.
The door creaked open, and the woman stepped out, wiping sweat from her forehead.
She glared at the recruiters and snapped, “You guys could have warned me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
